Saturday, August 9, 2008

One Month

A month has already passed since I have begun this practice.

The corollary being that I now have eleven months (and change..) left to live..

One month ago, the thought of having only one year left to live was.. well... frightening.. at least on the surface.

Intellectually, I feel as though I should be appalled that a month has slipped through my fingers, already... except;

it hasn't.

With very few exceptions, I have squarely faced every moment of this past month. I haven't retreated from unpleasantness by trying to wish it away, or by succumbing to pointless anger, or by simply retreating into my head and "getting through" the tough parts by numbing my brain, or turning my thoughts entirely inward... nor, for that matter, have I shrunk away from introspection... I have simply done my best to keep my focus on that point between.

We look inward to explore our past... Outward to hope and plan for our future... but where to we actually exist?? Well, on that tiny point in between the past and the future... the present moment.

Soft-Belly practice has helped me to begin opening my heart... even to the unpleasant & unavoidable occurrences that come along with frightening regularity.... Observing and Noting practice has helped me to learn how my body, and how my mind react to these moments and incidents... and I am beginning to learn how to replace that reaction with a more appropriate response.

There is a paradox in this; while I am living more and more mindfully, and finding that I am becoming more and more successful at staying in the present moment... and living much more fully in so doing! ... I am also noticing a certain measure of detachment to all of these goings on.

It isn't that I care any less... I actually care much more... it just seems that life doesn't strike me as being so personal... where the good things are mine... and the bad things are aimed at me. It occurs to me that the universe is impersonal... it does not conspire... it doesn't hold grudges... and it doesn't help or save either....

If you are standing on the spot where the rocks will fall when the earthquake hits... you will die. If you are standing a few feet away from the spot where the rocks will fall when the earthquake hits... you may be injured. And if you are nowhere near the spot where the rocks will fall when the earthquake hits.. you may emerge unscathed, or you may not. Something else might happen. Its as simple as that. That sounds as though we have only a one in three chance of making it safely through.. and perhaps that is true... but, here we all are, despite the odds.

So... time passes... day and night cycle by... turn into weeks.. months... and years... we look back and wonder where the time went, and talk about how much better it was way back then... in the good old days! (The implication being that today isn't quite as good).

Well.. maybe that is so... maybe we live through times where the world is spinning itself apart all around us... but, whether or not we can change that... we are still living in it...

Today... right now... will, at some point in the future... be looked back upon and remembered by someone as "The Good Old Days".

In order to remember those great times... there had to have been great times to remember... so, to my mind, why wait years before we enjoy them??

I have less than eleven months to live... my good old days are right now!!

... and do you know what the freaky weird part of it is??

So are yours!

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